We're In This Together

Truth be told, I'm not really sure what compels me to write this LJ entry. The friends I had on here I've been out of touch with for probably close to 4-5 years. If you're curious what sparked me to even load up the livejournal website, I noticed a .rar file named 2005-2006 on my back-up hard drive. That time span was one that seems surreal to this day, looking back on it. Was I really there... did I really live in that place? ...Was I really with that guy? That period of time had the potential to be the start of the best period of life, and ended up the worst. I'm mature enough now, nearly 6 years later, to acknowledge my hand in the outcome. Regret is something I'm quite familiar with, and there's no mistaking the regret I often feel about how everything had ended up in general. The most important thing I know, is that I learned a lot from all of it. With that knowledge, life currently isn't that bad.

The last time I wrote on this, I was in a relatively new relationship of insurmountable odds. I met a boy that had just turned 18 on WoW who had not long prior had just finished school and started online classes. Emotionally, we were both still extremely immature. So what has happened since then?

We're still together - it's been two and a half years now. We're engaged, you know, in case one of our countries decides to be forward thinking enough to allow that whole gay marriage thing. He's come here to visit me twice, once in 2009 from August to November, and again in 2010 from August to November. The plan has been for me to move there and for us to go through a visa process that will take up to a year. I think we'd both prefer if he were able to move here, but the immigration system here is FUBAR and Obama hasn't done shit about it like he promised (and with Republicans gaining momentum again I doubt it ever will).

We both still play WoW; Currently we're playing on the realm Sen'jin in the guild The Evil League of Evil. We also play Dungeons & Dragons Online from time to time and we're currently investigating Magic: the Gathering Online, though I doubt we'll invest in it unless we end up somewhere where there's no local game shop support or anything.

I'm sure there's more I could add, but that's about all the farther I'll go considering how far my LJ has fallen by the wayside.

Well it's been almost exactly a months since I've written on here.

After the worst of what, the consensus being, was depression subsided, it kept coming back in an on/off thing, and has kept doing so. Some times I'm really happy, other times I'm really sad. Tristan and I are doing as good as ever, and the only thing wrong with how things are going is trying to find an emotional balance and remain happy. The deal is sealed on us being together for Christmas, and today I need to look up and figure out what all is involved in the visa post-application process.

I'm going to pick up some B vitamins today at some point to try and cope with the valleys throughout the day, as I hear they're really good for that (expensive, but good). Now that we know everything is going to work out, hopefully this depression will begin to lift.

Through this haze I can feel myself being extremely happy, and I can't wait to be with my future husband and best friend :)

This last week I came down with a rather bad case of mental exhaustion and anxiety resulting from it. I'm not going to get into the details because I'm happy it's finally behind me, but that was the worst week I've had since over three years ago. I'm very fortunate, however, that I have such a loving boyfriend and that he's such a strong, caring person. Tristan stuck through it with me the entire week, not letting it get him down or letting it make him how I felt. I love him so much, and this week just proves how strong our love and need for each other is.

I'm so glad all that's over with, now I can continue on happily, spending time with Tristan on a daily basis and the things we normally do and feel together :)


Rundown of this last week:

Day 1 - Late in the day, suddenly felt indifferent about everything including Tristan, began to panic and feel anxiety about how I was feeling.

Day 2 - Couldn't eat, body felt tense, still panicking. Running around in circles in my head trying to figure out why I was feeling like I did. Couldn't make myself imagine feeling or touching Tristan like I do on a daily basis.

Day 3 - Could barely eat, felt less panicky and worrying about how I was feeling. Still extremely tense and unsettled. Could begin to imagine things a bit better.

Day 4 - Much less tense, no panic. Still feel indifferent, trying to talk myself into feeling how I felt before. Began feeling slightly happier, but soon drifted back into indifference. Trying to talk myself out of it. Starting to get angry at self. Began to felt better when writing a statement acknowledging I still mean it when I tell him I love him and want to be with him. Talking to Tristan I started to want to cry later, because of how much I love him and how I was feeling. I had a breakthrough and was able to feel emotions, and felt happy as I had before this started for a short time talking to him about the things I loved about him.

Day 5 - Woke up feeling better than Day 4, was actually happy. Began re-working the money part of our plan to be together for Christmas and thinking about it staying happy. Was happy a large portion of the day before it died down suddenly and I found myself feeling indifferent again. Confronted my fears and told Tristan exactly how I was feeling and why it drove me crazy. I began crying and he started taking me to places in WoW with that were light with happy and calming music. He began feeling empathetic and picked up my pains... by the end of the night I was exhausted but happy, it was almost like he absorbed whatever was wrong with me and taken it away from me. Eventually both our chests began burning at the same time, which was extremely... amazing. I guess it was our bond we have with each other. In any case, after I confronted my fears with Tristan and realized that they were false feelings brought on by exhaustion, I felt better.

Day 6 - Still woke up slightly panicked but the rest of the day was mostly back to pre-exhaustion/anxiety state of mind. Went to sleep very late, but extremely happy.

Day 7 - Woke up still happy and everything seems back to normal.

Undercooked meat is my bane.

Tristan, however, has a way of always making me feel better, even when I'm sick to my stomach.

My WoW sub ran out. I'm going to have to reactivate so I can sell characters.

Well, Tristan had to go for a bit and I'm sitting here thinking about him as always. Right now I'm with my laptop laying in bed with my lamp on. I just... he's so amazing, it drives me crazy not being with him already. We'll be together not far from now, and it's so worth it... I'm not sad or down or anything, but as each day goes by I feel like we're as close to eachother as humanly possible mentally and emotionally, and I want the physical part of that as well. I love him so much

Never let the past drag you down; Forget about what happened then, and look at what you have in front of you now. Don't let things that have already passed ruin or affect what you have now. Learn from your mistakes, but move on and let go. Free yourself, and do not become your own prisoner.

The other night while we were talking about things like always, and someething came up where Tristan said "I'd be your husband >.>;", and I felt... well it's undescribable, in a good way. I told him about how at one point I was thinking I'd ask him to marry me if I had to so we could get a fiance visa to be together, before we found out about a different kind of visa, and before he told me Australia doesn't allow same-sex marriages yet. They're far more progressed on same-sex rights than America, and far more open minded, but marriage still isn't legal quite yet. He told me "I'd say yes :)", and we both just sat there for a few minutes. We were practically engaged at that point, because the idea and thought was there and we both knew the other's answer. I always thought I'm too young to get married, even though I'm 22. I know a lot of people who are already, I guess some times my mind hasn't caught up with my age and I still see myself as a teenager some times. That's starting to fade now, that I realize I've met someone I could see myself being with the rest of my life.

Well, being the uber nerd I am, last night while he had to go for a bit I did some character switching and made a tuxedo for my Troll Hunter that I'm leveling with him, and then got on my Rogue and went to Booty Bay where a certain Goblin sells a certain Ring, Flawless Diamond Solitaire, a vanity ring with the flavor text "Will you marry me?". I sent it and the tuxedo to my Hunter. I'm a sucker for tradition and although it's still not exactly the traditional method of approaching your loved one, since we knew we wanted to spend our lives together, I decided to take him to Silvermoon City and popped the tux on in ItemRack, /kneeled, put the ring it into trade and /said "Tristan, will you marry me?". Of course, he said yes :) So now, we're semi-officially engaged. Of course, I'm going to ask him again when we're physically together. Screw the fact that Australia doesn't allow gay marriage yet, we're engaged for if and when they do, and we both feel you don't exactly need a marriage certificate to know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone or that you love them deeply (besides the legal benefits, that is).

I realized that I never saw myself being married to someone because I've never met anyone I could see realistically spending the rest of my life with... but with Tristan, I do. More than anything, I do want to spend my life with him.

The last couple nights have been really nice. I was going to write more than this, but there's so much I enjoyed about the time I've spent with Tristan that I really couldn't sum it all up here, unfortunately. He'd been saying the sweetest things, and I love it every time he does... it makes me feel so happy inside, knowing I have such a sweet, sensitive and caring boyfriend. He's always overwhelming my imagination with sweet and sensual visions with the things he says. The other night he was telling me the things he could imagine... sitting on my lap with me hugging him, or me holding him tight as we lay in bed about to go to sleep.

I have a few pictures of him on my desktop, and admittedly sometimes I just sit there looking at them, thinking about him and being able to feel his face or hair... or lips, or look into his eyes when I tell him I love him.

/happy sigh thinking about aforementioned images

Wednesday we spent most of the day in the live WoW server together. We went around farming Consortium rep for him for no real reason, but we were spending time together, talking and generally just not caring what we were doing so long as we were together. He had set it up so I could hear his music on vent, even though he himself couldn't hear it. I really enjoy listening to his music... I like all of it, which is unbelievable. Eventually we decided to play on our trolls and he was being very romantic that evening with the things he'd say.

Yesterday we both got on a friend's private WoW server and spend literally the entire day on there experimenting and having fun doing whatever we wanted. We both had GM powers and what we could do was ridiculous.

In any case, for the first time we both went to bed at the same time. Usually because there's a slight off-set by two hours, I end up going to bed earlier. The last couple of nights, I've felt so energized and good when with him, I just haven't gotten tired. I know I'm going to have to get used to going to sleep by 5-6 whereas he usually goes to bed a couple hours later. Tonight I'll probably try to go to bed earlier.

I'm not looking forward to not being able to spend all day with him starting in the near future, but it's okay, because I'll be working towards being with him physically. I'll miss him during the day, and be thinking about him all day. I know he's not going anywhere and will be there when I get back home from working, though :)

It's actually not being worrisome at all, but rather separation anxiety from not being with him, which is what I want more than anything in the world.

The last week I've had this on-going conflict in my head, constantly feeling fearful or worried about something and I don't know exactly what it is. Everything is fine where Tristan and I are concerned - I couldn't ask for a more caring, loving and sensitive lover. Just the other night I had been in pain all day and couldn't sleep that night, and he stayed up with me until 3 am when my pain pill finally kicked in because he was concerned about me and cared. So, when it comes to Tristan, why do I feel this way?

I've been trying to beat off this feeling, and ended up talking to Claypool about it because I'm afraid if I keep going like this with Tristan, I'm going to push him away before we can finally be together. The two of us came to a few different conclusions:

-I'm feeling paranoia in the absence of rational fears. I have nothing to fear, because Tristan is everything I've ever wanted in a person, and I have no risk of losing him.
-I'm used to things fucking up after how the last few years have gone, and it makes me nervous when things go right.
-Tristan is a 100000x better person than Kevin, and actually cares about me. Kevin isn't worth my brain power, and I need to get past letting things that happened a year ago destroy my confidence and self-esteem.


I do have a lot of things to accomplish before Christmas, in order to reach my goal, and what we both desire. He's getting a job to save money, and what other ways he'll help will be seen. He's already said that he trusts me with selling his WoW characters and the money, which I would of course hand back to him. I could never think of hurting this guy, it would break my own heart if I did. He does mean the world to me, so I have to get a grip on these irrational intangible fears, for both of us.

Every time I go to sleep, I imagine getting off the plane and seeing him for the first time, waiting for my arrival. It's hard to imagine, to be honest, because I've never loved someone as much as I love him. It's hard to imagine how I'll feel or react, but it excites me and I look forward to it. We're aiming towards one of the happiest moments in either of our lives, and there is no room for fear or being worrisome. When we're finally together, and in each other's arms, all of this will seem like a distant dream come true.